Wait. What?

Wait, What?

That's a common line at my home. The boys are expecting one thing, but something unexpected happens, and they are caught in disbelief.

And we are the same.

We have high expectations, goals, plans, dreams. And things don't turn out the way we thought.

When remodeling our first home, we packed up everything, put it all into storage and moved in with my in-laws. We got into our home 4 days before going into labor with my first son. Wait. What?

I dreamed of having 3 children: 2 boys and a girl.  Wait. What? I have three boys and my fourth baby was lost through miscarriage.

After ten years of marriage, my husband decided to join the military. Wait. What?

Teaching is all I've ever intended on doing. Recently, though, writing has become more important in my life, something I feel God leading me toward. Wait. What?

After house looking for two years and being very particular about what we were looking for, we bought a house on a whim because it was too good to pass up.  Wait. What?

When I checked the scales after weeks of intense exercise, the numbers had not changed. Wait. What?

Life is full of those moments.  Just ask any one.  Especially Job.

Job had it all.  Everything was great. Family. Friends. Prosperity.  But then.....he lost everything.

Wait. What?

I have to believe that Job said that just like we do.  However, what he said next, many of us don't say: "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord." ~ Job 1:21.

Wait. What?

Job blessed the name of the Lord after he'd lost everything?  Was he crazy?

No.  He just knew God.

When our "Wait. What?" moments turn out pretty awesome - like the purchase of our home - it is easy to praise the name of the Lord.  But what about those moments of heart break, of bad news, of uncertainty, those moments when, like Job, everything is turned upside down.

We must praise Him then too.

Before I move on, let me just say, I do not know why bad things happen.  I do know this: there is sin in the world and we make choices. I also know that God uses everything for His glory.  Any experience I speak of is mine and how God has used it.

With that being said......

No doubt we were a bit surprised by our fourth pregnancy. It happened quite quickly upon my husband's return from deployment.  However, we were excited and nervous, and in awe of this new journey. I even had this nervousness about whether or not this baby would be a girl.  After all, I wasn't quite sure what it would be like raising a daughter after being a boymom for so long. Not long after we  began spreading the news of our newest blessing, we discovered that something was seriously wrong.  After an agonizing wait, we found out that our little one had stopped growing. I lost my baby through a natural miscarriage. Aside from watching my husband leave for war, this was the worst thing I've ever had to experience.

Being a mom is a blessing to me.  I'm not a perfect mom, but I love being a mom.  During this time, I questioned myself.  Had a done something to cause this?  Had I jinxed myself by telling before the first trimester was over? What did I do that caused the loss of this baby?

I had a choice to make, I could be bitter and angry over this devastation or I could lean on God and praise Him.

I chose God.

God gave me that baby.  I'm not going to question why I wasn't allowed to keep that child.  It isn't my place.  I am going to choose to do something with that experience.  So, I write here. I share with others.  And I'm amazed at how the healing has come to me and others.  We will never be completely healed on this side of heaven, but we can grow from here. We can be there for others. And through this experience, I've grown closer to God.  I've been strengthened by him.

God didn't change during this time.

He didn't change while my husband served overseas.

He didn't change while we waited on whether our not my husband would be called to pastor a church.

He didn't change when I felt like a loser mom after yelling at my kids for the umpteenth time.

He didn't change when my bank account was far less than what makes me comfortable.

He didn't change when my middle son stayed sick for so long.

He didn't change when.......and He won't.

I have seen friends and family be refined by the fire because they fell to their knees in prayer. I've seen friends and family grow in their walk with Christ because they chose hope instead of defeat.  I've seen lives changed because others used their weaknesses, their paths of uncertainty, and their sinfulness to trust God.

I've seen miracles because of those who have chosen not to be defined by their circumstances, but have chosen to bless the name of the Lord during their "Wait. What?" moments.

Today, I ask you to take inventory of your circumstances.  What are you struggling with?  Then wholeheartedly, lay it at the foot of the cross and bless the name of the Lord.  Friend, we were created for an awesome relationship with Christ.  Let go of whatever is holding you back from experiencing peace and joy.

You are not defined by your bank account.

You are not defined by your appearance.

You are not defined by cancer.

You are not defined by your sin.

You are a child of God and that is what defines you.

Five Minute Friday: Heal

Time heals all wounds.

Isn't that some sort of wise quote or something?

I don't believe it.  I don't.

I think time heals some wounds, and then time makes other wounds more bearable, but not completely healed.

We all have wounds.

We've been hurt physically. My husband just had surgery, and he is still healing from that.

We've been hurt verbally.  You know, words are like toothpaste.  Once they are out, you can't put them back.

We've been hurt emotionally.  Friends and family have cut us deep in some way.   The people we depend on the most have broken those walls of trust and love.

We've been hurt deep to the heart.

Three years ago,  my heart ached so bad.  My heart still aches.  The wound is still there, but it isn't completely healed.

I lost a baby through miscarriage.  I think about that baby so much.  I miss that baby.  A baby I never got to hold and watch grow. A baby that I long for.

I'll never be healed on this side of heaven. But I know one day, complete healing will come.

And how do I know?

Because my hope and my faith are in Jesus Christ.

Five Minute Friday: Whole

Welcome to this space devoted to Five Minute Friday, a time of taking a one word prompt and writing for five minutes.  Sounds simple enough.  Just enough time to let words flow. No overthinking. No editing (although the writing teacher in me has to correct mechanics).  Just writing. For me, seeing how God uses that one word.

Ready? Here we go.

I feel like something is missing, that I'm incomplete in some way.  There's no denying what it is.  When I think the reason, I feel the tears coming. I remember what took you away from me.   I never knew you this side of heaven.  Not physically anyway.  But emotionally, in my heart.  That's different.  I was so excited about you. Couldn't wait to meet you and introduce you to your big brothers.  I didn't care if you were a boy or a girl.  I just wanted you.  A healthy you.

But

I'm incomplete.  I'm not whole.

You left us before we even held you. Before you were really able to grow and develop in my womb.

But

You are such a part of me.

Because of Jesus, I have the hope of  tomorrow.  I have the hope that one day, a glorious day in heaven, that I will hold you. I will finally hold you.

I think about today.  We should have a birthday celebration. You'd be two years old.  As a mama of three already, I know what that age brings. What a blessing that age is.  And.....this year is incomplete. Not whole.

But

Because of Jesus, that hole in my heart is filled by hope.  Hope that I will see you, hold you, and be made whole.

Thank you for joining me for this FMF post. Don't forget to head over to my friend Kate's page to join in.  

Even If Not

Back in August, I was fortunate enough to attend the first ever (and perhaps only) Five Minute Friday Retreat.  I met close to 20 amazing strangers who will forever have a place in my heart.  One of my roommates that weekend was Kaitlyn Bouchillon.  And ya'll, Kaitlyn published her first book this year.  

I have just finished reading this precious book, Even If Not.  And I feel led to share one of my even if not moments with you.

I'm a planner. It's not my job, but I love to plan.....parties, events, life.....putting details together to make something wonderful.  I had a plan for my life: marriage, teaching job, 3 kids (2 boys and a girl).  I had always believed that my plans would fall in line when God's timing was right and I would accept his timing.  That's what I said, and I also said I trusted Him.

After being married for a few years, my husband and I decided we wanted to start our family of 2 boys and a girl.  A friend of ours was trying to conceive as well and she was pretty upset that things weren't going as planned. She struggled to get pregnant.  I told her that the stress didn't help her and that God would make it happen when the time was right.  Words from a nonChristian to a Believer.

She soon became pregnant, and I thought, "See? I told you so!"

Then it was my turn.

After missing a period and taking about a million home pregnancy tests that were inconclusive, I made an appointment with my doctor to find out for sure.  I had convinced myself that if I wasn't pregnant, it would be ok and that it would happen at the right time.  I said I trusted God's plan.

I didn't.

I went to the doctor, took yet another pregnancy test, and was told, "No, honey, you are not pregnant."

My face grew hot and I felt outrage. What???? How could this be? I wanted to be pregnant!  I knew I had to be pregnant. They were wrong. God, why are you doing this to me??? I'm ready to be a mom.

I had always said I trusted God's plan and timing. This was the time to prove it and I failed miserably.  I raced out of that doctor's office, grabbed my husband, and took off for the car.  I was heartbroken. Angry.  Full of unbelief.

I had said that I trusted God even if I wasn't pregnant, and it was a lie.

At that point I realized the disbelief, and it hurt just as bad as not being pregnant.

Truth be told, I was pregnant. God didn't let me know until my first trimester was almost over.  Why? I don't know, but I think it was to help my with my disbelief.  Although I was not yet a Christian, those months were a growing time for me. Those months would shape my thoughts and beliefs for things I would experience later on.

When my second born would be rushed to NICU after birth, I had to believe.

When my third child was induced due to the loss of amniotic fluid, I had to believe.

When my husband was deployed to war, I had believe.

When my fourth pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I had to believe.

Each day, I have to believe, that even if God doesn't follow my plan, that He is still good.

And He is good, very good.

And I believe.

Kaitlyn, thank you for sharing your words and reminding us that we all have a story to tell....no....a story we must tell.  God works in all moments, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the messy.  When we are broken, He is there. When we are whole, He is there.  Even if life is not what we thought it would be, God is there. We tell these stories to share the love of Christ.  We weren't meant to keep them to ourselves. Share we must. Blog it.  Write it.  Tell it across the dinner table. Whisper it in the darkness. But share it.

Friends, get you a copy of Even If Not. Read it. Share it.  Tell your even if not story.

Five Minute Friday: Trust

Trusting others is hard. People let us down all the time.  Sometimes on purpose. Sometimes, well, because they are people and that means they're imperfect.

But man, it hurts not to be able to trust.  Especially those you love.

In my life, I've learned to trust God.  For many of us, it's difficult because we have been let down by those closest to us.

So, we are weary of Him.

I've seen God be trustworthy because He is faithful.

Although I haven't always agreed with Him, He's never let me down.

I realized the other day that my baby should be 18 months old.  Oh, such fun age.  I was saddened to be reminded that I'll never know that baby this side of heaven.

But in August of 2013, I had to trust that God knew what He was doing.  That no matter what the ultrasound would show, whether my baby was alive or had stopped growing inside of me, I had to trust that God would take care of me.

And He did.

The news devastated me.

But God provided for me.

He provided for me through the doctor and nurses.

He provided for me through my husband.

He provided for me through my friends and family.

He provided for me through my church.

He provided.

And in that, He held true to His Word.

Can You REALLY Be Thankful and Find Joy In All Circumstances

My cousin found out this week that she has breast cancer.  No woman wants to hear that diagnosis.  I have been amazed at the number of people posting scripture to her Facebook page.  I can tell from her comments that she is finding comfort in God's Word.

Words for finding comfort and strength are filling her heart and mind.  They are giving her courage during this difficult time.  This afternoon, I found this gem on Pinterest to share with her.....

What was I thinking, right???

Be joyful????

Give thanks?????

Seriously????

Yes.

Be joyful.
Give thanks.

Seriously.

First, let me be clear.

I have never been diagnosed with cancer. There was a time I was fearful due to some changes in my breasts.  I saw my doctor, had an ultrasound, and got the all clear.  So, no, I don't know what it is like to get that diagnosis.

I do know heartbreak in other ways.

I know what it's like to watch your husband walk away from you at the airport not knowing if he will make it back home from Afghanistan. I know what it's like to be Skyping with your husband while he is deployed and there be an attack. I know the uncertainties and hardships that deployment can bring.

In those instances, I prayed.  I found joy knowing that God would hear my pleas (that He wants me to let my requests be known).  I found joy knowing that my children grew in their prayer lives and relationship with Christ.  I found joy knowing that my husband was serving God and country. He was doing something he felt strongly about.

And I gave thanks.  I gave thanks for the amount of communication we had: Skype, texting, email, phone call, snail mail.  We had it all, and I can't imagine the days when women couldn't communicate with their deployed Soldiers like that.  I gave thanks that each time there was an attack my husband was safe.  I gave thanks that he was able to minister to the Soldiers and provide them with Christian guidance.

I gave thanks for answered prayers.

I know what it's like to find evidence in the toilet, the first clue that something was wrong with your pregnancy.  I know what it's like to tearfully find your boss to tell them what you think is happening to get permission to leave work to go to the doctor. I know what its like to cry all the way to the doctor not knowing what exactly is happening.  I know what it's like to see your baby on the ultrasound monitor to find that, yes, it's true, your baby stopped growing.  I know what it's like to have a natural miscarriage and lay weak on the bathroom floor knowing you will never be the same. I know what its like 2 years later to cry, remembering that day, and yearning for that baby.

In all of this, I prayed.

And I found joy.

I found joy in the fact that there is hope in Christ.  That I felt His presence, and I may meet my baby one day in Heaven.  He brought me comfort in the banana popsicles that my husband urged me to eat while I was weak, causing me to remember the love of my grandfather.  He brought me comfort as I laughed about laying on the bathroom floor on my son's toddler bed. He reminded me in so many ways that He was right there with me, that I wasn't going through that miscarriage alone. I found joy in the scripture cards my friend Leslie sent to me.

And I found joy in the things I was thankful for:

I had an amazing medical staff that was honest, yet compassionate and went beyond the call of duty for us. 

My coworkers held my hand (literally) and cried with me.  The love they have for me is amazing.  

My husband and mom never left my side. They cleaned me up, held my hand, and took such good care of me. 

My in laws took care of my children because I was too weak to be there for them physically and emotionally.

I was thankful for those three healthy children, those boys who are my sunshine.

I was thankful for the phone calls and texts I received from those checking on me.

I was thankful for the meals provided for us.

So, I say YES, we can really be thankful and find joy in ALL circumstances. For me, being thankful and finding joy are choices I can make. And let me be clear on this: Happiness and joy are NOT the same thing.  When my kids behave, I am happy. When the bills are paid, I am happy.  When I have a terrible day, I find joy in the comment of the kid that says, "You are an A+ teacher," as he reads my coffee cup.  I find joy in the fact that a dreaded faculty meeting is cut short.

I make the choice to be thankful.

I make the choice to find joy.

What about you?  What choice are you making?

Five Minute Friday: Hope

When that second line showed up, I had only hoped for a healthy baby.  With three boys already, I was fine being a "boy mom" and honestly didn't care if you were a boy or girl.  Healthy is what's always mattered to me.

We hoped that your brothers would be excited about you. They were.  They were eager to start telling and so were Dad and I.

We spread the news of you....our newest blessing.  I was nervous though.  It was early.  We had just found out about you and didn't wait until the first trimester was over like we had with your brothers.

Then that day....

That day I saw something.

My hope was that it was nothing, but in the pit of my stomach, I knew it was something.

My hope was that everything would be ok.

The coming weeks were a nightmare.  The tests. The waiting.  And then the news.

You had stopped growing.  We would never hold you in our arms.

On Earth.

But I know Jesus.

In Him, I have hope.

I have the hope of seeing you one day in heaven.  Wrapping my arms around you....finally.  Hearing you call me "Mommy" for the first time.

That's my hope.  I knew you when you were growing inside of me.  I loved you then, and I love you now.

Thank you for joining me for this week's Five Minute Friday prompt. This is a time for a wonderful community of people (some of whom I am excited to be meeting next month) come together and share words for just five minutes.  Care to join in?  Head on over to katemotaung.com and link up with us.  You won't regret it.

One Word

What one word would you like to describe yourself? Your life? Your outlook?   Maybe it is easier to choose one word that you wouldn't want to use to describe yourself!

My 11 year old told me once that I was lazy.  Really.  So we talked about how lazy I actually was: getting up all hours of the night to check on/take care of kids, cleaning house, cooking meals, helping with homework, giving baths, volunteering at church, working full time as an elementary school teacher.  Lazy. Really?  That's what you get when you ask an 11 year old boy to do something on his own.  Everyone else around instantly becomes lazy.

Now, my three year old has another word to describe me: meanie.  Yes.  My children love me so much!  Such positive comments.  You see, I am the "meanie" when he is only allowed to have white milk or water at bedtime. I am the "meanie" when iPad time is over. I am the "meanie" whenever he doesn't get what he wants.  The "meanie." I am ok with that.

As for the seven year old, he isn't much on words. However, I just asked him, and he came up with two: mean and nice.  I asked him why I am mean, and his response was, "You should know."

Just call me #1 Mom!

I am ok with being the mean mom if it means that my kids don't always get their way.  I am ok with being the mean mom if it means my kids have to obey the rules or show respect to others. I am ok with being the mean mom if it means my kids are learning responsibility and building their character.  There is actually a great article out there about being a "mean mom."  It is worth the read.

I guess I digress a little.  I am thinking about words to describe me, my life, not necessarily how my children see me (although I get some really good hugs and kisses from them, so I guess I can't be that bad).

For the last couple of years, I have joined in the One Word movement, choosing one word to live by instead of making resolutions at the beginning of the year.  For me, I have found that one word helpful. I know I am weak. I know I will mess up. So, I find a word that I can go back to, one that will encourage me in all aspects of my life.  This year that one word is...

 

I want to be more intentional in the things that I do. I want to be more intentional with my time, with my money, with my self. You may think that is a joke, that it is quite easy to be intentional. For me, it isn't, not always. I am a fly by the seat of my pants type of girl. I get ideas and go with them. Although I like to plan things, I don't always do it. I let things sneak up on me.  Sometimes my best comes forward in these times and sometimes my worst. 

Everything I have, everything I am is a gift.  A gift from God.  He expects me to use those gifts wisely.

Time is a gift.  I can choose what I do with my time.  I can choose to veg out in front of the iPad each day wasting time, or I can choose to spend time in His Word.

Money is a gift.  I can choose to spend  money on junk that my family doesn't really need, or I can chose to spend  money on His Kingdom.

Children are a gift.  I can choose to allow my children to raise themselves in front of a screen, or I can choose to provide them with opportunities that will help them to become the young men God intends them to be.

Employment is a gift. I can choose to go to work each day doing enough to get by, or I can choose to use each moment touching lives.

Family is a gift.  I can choose to do things that take away from my family, or I can choose to put my family first.

Body is a gift.  I can choose to eat and drink my life away, griping about my hair and hips, or I can choose to take care of this body that God has given me.

Life is a gift.  I can choose to waste my life away, being unhappy, ungrateful, and not making a difference, or I can choose to live a life that brings honor and glory to the One who has given me life. 

The fact of the matter is....

Everything about life is a choice.  I have a choice about how to live my life. I have a choice about how I respond to life.  I can either choose to live this life halfheartedly, only giving what I want to give, or I can choose to live my life fully, giving everything I have to God. 

Sometimes it is easier to choose the lesser. It is safer.  But that isn't how God wants me to live.  I have to be intentional in my living.  All to often we make excuses, we look for ways out. We want to be comfortable in our lives.  But we must always remember that God never promised life would be easy.  He only promises to be there with us as we follow His will.  I will be honest, each time I have stepped out of my comfort zone and obeyed God, nothing but great things happened. Intentionally living for Him is the greatest thing any of us can do.

The other day at my house, we were talking about our favorite Bible verses.  My favorite is Psalm 118:24. Years ago, I found it on the front of a card at the dollar store. I bought it and framed it.

It is a reminder that each day is a gift from God.  Regardless of what happens, I am to rejoice in that day.  The events of the day are no surprise to the Lord.  I am to be content in whatever my circumstance. That is easier said than done.

In September, I had a choice to make.  There was no controlling my circumstance.  I lay in  the bathroom floor, losing my baby.  I could be bitter and angry. I could curse what God had done to me.  Or I could praise Him.  I could praise Him for the husband that refused to leave my side and cleaned me up in my darkest moment.  I could praise Him for my friends at work who took care of me as my body began to quake, comforting me and crying with me as I waited for my husband to arrive. I could praise Him for my mom, my doctor, my nurses who cared for me the best way they knew how.  I could praise Him for my three healthy children whom I loved dearly. I could praise Him for those that lifted me and my family up in prayer.  There was no other choice.  God had never failed me, and I knew that there in that cold, dark bathroom, He would not fail me.  In that darkest moment, He gave me everything I needed. 

That, to me, is being intentional.

I want to live that way more than ever.  I want to give my very best to God.  He deserves nothing less.

So, this year, I will be more intentional in the things I do, in my living, in my loving, in my giving.  My hopes in being more intentional is for my children to see the greatness of living a life that pleases God, giving them the desire to do the same.  I hope my intentional living will continue to strengthen my marriage, to show my husband exactly what he means to me, and be the wife he needs me to be.  I hope my intentional living will bring comfort to others,  show them they are loved, and help them live their lives a little better.   Most of all, I hope that my intentional living will bring honor and glory to the one who deserves it, my Heavenly Father. 

What about you?  Do you have a word to live by this year?  I would love to hear it.  I pray that as you think about how you want to live this new year, that you would choose a path that leads to God.

An unexpected detour

It's been two months since I've been here. I won't apologize for being gone.

My life today isn't what I was expecting it to be.

My journey these last two months has been difficult, heart wrenching.

If you know me, you know I love being a mom.  Yes, I am one of those crazy women who loves being pregnant.  In late July, I had that unbelievable moment (or moments since I took about 8 home EPTs) of finding out that I was expecting my fourth child. As if the deployment didn't make it official,  Jeff and I joked that we were now officially a military family because I was pregnant quickly after Jeff came home from Afghanistan.

I was excited.

I was nervous.

More nervous than my first pregnancy.

With each pregnancy and childbirth, there was something different, something a little scarier than the last.

My first son was two weeks late (according to me, not the doctor). He was a big boy, and it was a long, hard labor.

My second son was born and sent to NICU due to fluid in his lungs. He continues to have respiratory issues to this day.

My third son was born the day after my biophysical profile and ultrasound indicated I had been losing amniotic fluid.

So, yes. I was nervous. What would the scary moment be this fourth time around?

That moment came 8 months early.

After confirming my pregnancy with the doctor, we began to spread the news of our fourth child.  I felt the need to keep it on the down low, but I was just too excited.

After going to the restroom at work one day, I just knew something was wrong based on what I saw.  I immediately called the doctor's office and was ordered to come in.  After two weeks of blood work and ultrasounds, we got the news.  Our baby had stopped growing.

That news cut me deep.

We had to decide on whether or not to proceed with a D&C or wait for a natural miscarriage.  We decided to wait. 

I laugh now, but I remember sitting at home by myself one day and telling God, "Ok, God.  Today is a good day to get this over with."  I think He laughed at me.

After two weeks of nothing, we scheduled the surgery.

The next day.....

The worst day of my life.

The whole timing and location of the beginning of the natural miscarriage in my eyes was not ideal. What is ideal in my eyes?

God knows best.

That's what I keep telling myself.

There are days I am ok with not being pregnant.  There are days I see babies and want to cry.  There are days I feel guilty for having a peace about the whole miscarriage.  There are days I have no peace at all about it.

I do realize that is part of the grieving process.  And in reality, that is what I am doing.  Grieving the loss of a future I won't have, a baby I will never hold, a child I will never know.

But I have faith in God.

That is what has gotten me through this entire ordeal.

God gave me those weeks of tests to prepare my heart for the news I was to get.  He knew what I needed to go through be able to deal with the natural miscarriage.

Going through a valley teaches you a lot. It teaches you about people's true colors. It teaches you about your own strength.  It teaches you about whether or not you truly believe in God the way you say you do.

So, why do I write these words?

For you my friend.

For those that are hurting whether due to miscarriage or any other crisis.  God loves you. He has a plan for you. He is in control.  When you can't go on, He will give you the strength you need to keep moving.  Just trust Him. Seek Him. Read His word.  Truly, wholeheartedly, believe in Him.

For those of you that know someone who is hurting....love them. Hug them. Pray for them.  You don't have to say anything except "I love you" or "I am praying for you." For me, those were the words that meant the most.  Be careful of your words.  If you don't know what to say, those are the best things you could say.  And NEVER make woman feel like it was her fault that she miscarried.  She will doubt herself and doesn't need your help. 

If I have learned anything through this it is God loves me and will take care of me.  My friend Lesley bought me a plaque while Jeff was deployed. It says If God brings you to it, God will get you through it.I believe that with my whole heart.