Even If Not

Back in August, I was fortunate enough to attend the first ever (and perhaps only) Five Minute Friday Retreat.  I met close to 20 amazing strangers who will forever have a place in my heart.  One of my roommates that weekend was Kaitlyn Bouchillon.  And ya'll, Kaitlyn published her first book this year.  

I have just finished reading this precious book, Even If Not.  And I feel led to share one of my even if not moments with you.

I'm a planner. It's not my job, but I love to plan.....parties, events, life.....putting details together to make something wonderful.  I had a plan for my life: marriage, teaching job, 3 kids (2 boys and a girl).  I had always believed that my plans would fall in line when God's timing was right and I would accept his timing.  That's what I said, and I also said I trusted Him.

After being married for a few years, my husband and I decided we wanted to start our family of 2 boys and a girl.  A friend of ours was trying to conceive as well and she was pretty upset that things weren't going as planned. She struggled to get pregnant.  I told her that the stress didn't help her and that God would make it happen when the time was right.  Words from a nonChristian to a Believer.

She soon became pregnant, and I thought, "See? I told you so!"

Then it was my turn.

After missing a period and taking about a million home pregnancy tests that were inconclusive, I made an appointment with my doctor to find out for sure.  I had convinced myself that if I wasn't pregnant, it would be ok and that it would happen at the right time.  I said I trusted God's plan.

I didn't.

I went to the doctor, took yet another pregnancy test, and was told, "No, honey, you are not pregnant."

My face grew hot and I felt outrage. What???? How could this be? I wanted to be pregnant!  I knew I had to be pregnant. They were wrong. God, why are you doing this to me??? I'm ready to be a mom.

I had always said I trusted God's plan and timing. This was the time to prove it and I failed miserably.  I raced out of that doctor's office, grabbed my husband, and took off for the car.  I was heartbroken. Angry.  Full of unbelief.

I had said that I trusted God even if I wasn't pregnant, and it was a lie.

At that point I realized the disbelief, and it hurt just as bad as not being pregnant.

Truth be told, I was pregnant. God didn't let me know until my first trimester was almost over.  Why? I don't know, but I think it was to help my with my disbelief.  Although I was not yet a Christian, those months were a growing time for me. Those months would shape my thoughts and beliefs for things I would experience later on.

When my second born would be rushed to NICU after birth, I had to believe.

When my third child was induced due to the loss of amniotic fluid, I had to believe.

When my husband was deployed to war, I had believe.

When my fourth pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I had to believe.

Each day, I have to believe, that even if God doesn't follow my plan, that He is still good.

And He is good, very good.

And I believe.

Kaitlyn, thank you for sharing your words and reminding us that we all have a story to tell....no....a story we must tell.  God works in all moments, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the messy.  When we are broken, He is there. When we are whole, He is there.  Even if life is not what we thought it would be, God is there. We tell these stories to share the love of Christ.  We weren't meant to keep them to ourselves. Share we must. Blog it.  Write it.  Tell it across the dinner table. Whisper it in the darkness. But share it.

Friends, get you a copy of Even If Not. Read it. Share it.  Tell your even if not story.

Can You REALLY Be Thankful and Find Joy In All Circumstances

My cousin found out this week that she has breast cancer.  No woman wants to hear that diagnosis.  I have been amazed at the number of people posting scripture to her Facebook page.  I can tell from her comments that she is finding comfort in God's Word.

Words for finding comfort and strength are filling her heart and mind.  They are giving her courage during this difficult time.  This afternoon, I found this gem on Pinterest to share with her.....

What was I thinking, right???

Be joyful????

Give thanks?????

Seriously????

Yes.

Be joyful.
Give thanks.

Seriously.

First, let me be clear.

I have never been diagnosed with cancer. There was a time I was fearful due to some changes in my breasts.  I saw my doctor, had an ultrasound, and got the all clear.  So, no, I don't know what it is like to get that diagnosis.

I do know heartbreak in other ways.

I know what it's like to watch your husband walk away from you at the airport not knowing if he will make it back home from Afghanistan. I know what it's like to be Skyping with your husband while he is deployed and there be an attack. I know the uncertainties and hardships that deployment can bring.

In those instances, I prayed.  I found joy knowing that God would hear my pleas (that He wants me to let my requests be known).  I found joy knowing that my children grew in their prayer lives and relationship with Christ.  I found joy knowing that my husband was serving God and country. He was doing something he felt strongly about.

And I gave thanks.  I gave thanks for the amount of communication we had: Skype, texting, email, phone call, snail mail.  We had it all, and I can't imagine the days when women couldn't communicate with their deployed Soldiers like that.  I gave thanks that each time there was an attack my husband was safe.  I gave thanks that he was able to minister to the Soldiers and provide them with Christian guidance.

I gave thanks for answered prayers.

I know what it's like to find evidence in the toilet, the first clue that something was wrong with your pregnancy.  I know what it's like to tearfully find your boss to tell them what you think is happening to get permission to leave work to go to the doctor. I know what its like to cry all the way to the doctor not knowing what exactly is happening.  I know what it's like to see your baby on the ultrasound monitor to find that, yes, it's true, your baby stopped growing.  I know what it's like to have a natural miscarriage and lay weak on the bathroom floor knowing you will never be the same. I know what its like 2 years later to cry, remembering that day, and yearning for that baby.

In all of this, I prayed.

And I found joy.

I found joy in the fact that there is hope in Christ.  That I felt His presence, and I may meet my baby one day in Heaven.  He brought me comfort in the banana popsicles that my husband urged me to eat while I was weak, causing me to remember the love of my grandfather.  He brought me comfort as I laughed about laying on the bathroom floor on my son's toddler bed. He reminded me in so many ways that He was right there with me, that I wasn't going through that miscarriage alone. I found joy in the scripture cards my friend Leslie sent to me.

And I found joy in the things I was thankful for:

I had an amazing medical staff that was honest, yet compassionate and went beyond the call of duty for us. 

My coworkers held my hand (literally) and cried with me.  The love they have for me is amazing.  

My husband and mom never left my side. They cleaned me up, held my hand, and took such good care of me. 

My in laws took care of my children because I was too weak to be there for them physically and emotionally.

I was thankful for those three healthy children, those boys who are my sunshine.

I was thankful for the phone calls and texts I received from those checking on me.

I was thankful for the meals provided for us.

So, I say YES, we can really be thankful and find joy in ALL circumstances. For me, being thankful and finding joy are choices I can make. And let me be clear on this: Happiness and joy are NOT the same thing.  When my kids behave, I am happy. When the bills are paid, I am happy.  When I have a terrible day, I find joy in the comment of the kid that says, "You are an A+ teacher," as he reads my coffee cup.  I find joy in the fact that a dreaded faculty meeting is cut short.

I make the choice to be thankful.

I make the choice to find joy.

What about you?  What choice are you making?

Five Minute Friday: Relief

This morning, I checked Facebook before I ever rolled out of bed. An acquaintance of mine had posted one of those Timehop photos of her and her husband at the airport the day he was deployed 7 years ago.  It took me back to the day I took my husband to the airport for his deployment.

My chest hurt.

My heart raised.

I couldn't breathe.

I couldn't talk for fear of crying. I had promised myself I wouldn't cry.  I would be strong for him, our children, and his parents.

It was hard.

The months he spent away were very difficult.  Especially the night we were Skyping and his compound came under attack.  There are no words to describe that feeling.

We prayed and prayed and prayed.

Then one night at 1am, he called me and told me he had just landed in Bangor, Maine.  What relief that brought! I could breathe a little easier.

The best moment of all.....being reunited at the same airport where months earlier, I was filled with anxiety and fear.  I no longer had lingering fears of his safety. He was back in my arms, back with our family, back where he belonged.  The relief that comes with holding your Soldier for the first time after war.....well, there's no words for that either.  The tears come.  The praises for God's provision come.  The thankfulness.  It's all overwhelming.

Thank you for stopping by on the Friday.  I would like to add this final thought even though my five minutes are up....Jesus was the source of our strength through this deployment.  I got so many comments of, "How do you do it?"  The truth of the matter is, I didn't. Jesus did.  I don't get through one day of my life with Him.  All too often people look for relief elsewhere....gambling, alcohol, retail therapy.....but true relief comes from Christ.  We were never promised an easy life, but Jesus promised He would always be with us.

Be sure to stop by www.katemotaung.com to read some inspiring thoughts from some other writers.  Happy Friday!

Things people will never understand

I usually hate reading comments on news articles, blog posts, and Facebook posts, especially those that contain controversial topics.I get frustrated with people, their lack of knowledge, class, and common sense.  

Two years ago, when my husband was in Afghanistan, he had arranged for Roscoe, one of the mascots of the Bowling Green Hot Rods minor league baseball team, to surprise me in my classroom on Valentine's Day.  I never thought that these pictures would cause controversy.

It had been a rough day.  One of the boys was sick, and I really wanted to stay home with him. With some coaxing from my  principal, I got some help from my mom and made my way to work.  Hours later, Roscoe showed up.  After he left, I walked to the hallway, found one of my teammates, and cried.  I missed my husband. I wanted him home.

Later, I came across these pictures on Facebook. I was appalled by the comments. They weren't negative toward me, but they caused some folks to gripe about Roscoe not being allowed to deliver to their children, so it shouldn't have been allowed for a teacher.  The Hot Rods explained that deliveries were determined by schools according to their school policies.

My husband had taken the time to contact my principal, who was excited to be part of the surprise.  The office staff kept it a secret until the moment Roscoe appeared in my room.  A world away, my husband brightened my day.

When the comments appeared, I wanted to scream, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!  MY HUSBAND IS IN AFGHANISTAN!"

But, I kept my mouth closed.  They didn't understand. Did they really need to know my side of the story?  I knew my story.

My story was my husband was serving in Afghanistan, ministering to our Soldiers who were giving these people the right to express their opinion.

My story was that my husband, although a world away in a war zone, found a way to show his love on Valentine's Day.

My story was that I was living a life they would not understand.

Not just with me, but do we ever really understand what a person is going through?  Do we know what life another person is living?

No, we don't.

We can be judgmental and selfish and make comments on things we can never understand.  When we do that, it hurts others, even if we don't mean anything by it.

When Jesus was being crucified, He cried out, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."  We too must choose to forgive when people hurt us, whether out of spite or on accident.  For me, forgiveness is not an option.  Jesus chose to forgive me, wretched me.  If He can do that for me, I can do that for others.

So, this Valentine's Day, I would like for you to consider true love. Real. True. Love.  The love that only comes from Jesus.  Once we know that love, it is so much easier to share that love with others.  That's how we come to forgive and love those that will never understand our stories.

Did I Shine?

When 2013 began, I made a commitment to SHINE. With the year half over and a deployment under my belt, I have to ask myself, "Did I shine?"

I hope that during the deployment I was the wife my husband needed me to be and the the mother my children needed me to be.

I hope that as I crossed paths with others, that they saw Jesus in me.

I know there were times I was lost, tired, and frustrated.  I know there were times I lost my temper or got caught up in gossip or negative conversation. But over all, did I shine? I tried to be an encouragement to others. I tried to show them that my strength and joy came from Jesus. 

Up until I got fifth's disease, I remained faithful in my daily bible study.  That time knocked me on my butt. I had no energy.  I felt terrible for weeks.  I got majorly behind, but I am still studying.  I also began a journey on becoming more healthy after my bout with a stomach virus in November and December.  I exercised and ate much better up until fifth's disease came along.  I've gained a few pounds back, but I am dedicated to get rid of them again.

I know that people watched me. People asked me, "How do you do it?"  I didn't. God did.  I prayed daily for His blessings, for His strength, for His guidance.  Looking back, I hope I was a blessing to Him.

Some Family Time

If you have a Soldier who will be returning home from deployment and would like a banner to display like ours, I have to recommend Build A Sign.  Check out their website.  Our banner was FREE. I only had to pay for the grommets and shipping. I upgraded the shipping to make sure I had the banner the first of May, and it arrived much sooner than expected.  We were very pleased with our final product.

Since Jeff has returned from Afghanistan, we have been having a lot of family time.  He was able to catch Colin's last few ball games.  We were also able to attend a Hot Rods game for their Military Appreciation Night.

It was so great to attend church again as a family.

Jeff and I had a much needed weekend getaway to The Smoky Mountains.

We had a week long family vacation to Panama City Beach too.  We celebrated Jeff's birthday and played LOTS of Goofy Golf.

The big boys are preparing for a camp out, and Colin will be attending Space Camp again this summer.  Me?  I am enjoying having my better half home.  I am working with two amazing teams.  I am writing a Bible study curriculum with a group of super women for Wives of Faith.  I will also be working with Sara Horn and more amazing women to promote Sara's new book....

We are also still praying about going active duty.  Still not sure where God wants us right now.  No rush, but don't want any regrets either.

Hope your summer is in full swing and going well.

Deployment Homecoming Shirts

May 13, 2013

The boys and I made shirts for them to wear when we reunite with Jeff.

Colin and Carson designed their own and put me to work on them.  Carter's shirt is the top pictures. Carson's shirt is in the middle. Colin's shirt is the bottom pictures.  They can't wait to wear them to pick up their daddy!

1:46 AM

May 11, 2013

My cell phone rang at 1:46 AM.  It was the call I had been waiting for.  Jeff was back in the US! 

Although this call only lasted for 1 minute, it caused so much peace to come over me. 

My husband was "home" from Afghanistan.

Technically, he wasn't home, but being in the USA was home to me! 

Jeff apologized for waking me up. He had sent a text moments earlier, but I never heard it.  So, he called me. It was the most precious phone call ever! 

Can you say "emotional roller coaster?"

May 10, 2013

That's exactly how I have felt the last few days.

I guess you could say it started Sunday in church.  Like every other Sunday, I sat on the front pew with my boys.  Colin went to the restroom during meet and greet and decided to sit in the overflow section. Carson decided to go to Children's Church for the first time in over a year.  There I sat. Alone.  I wasn't really alone.  There were the other 200 people in the sanctuary, including Edie and Lauren sitting on my pew.  But I felt alone. I had my Sara Horn moment.  I sat there and fought back tears.

In recent conversations, I knew that Jeff would be leaving Afghanistan in the coming days. I went to the alter at the end of the service to pray for Jeff to have a safe trip back to the states.  With the recent plane crashes, I knew he was a little nervous about flying. I was a little nervous too.  But I also knew that God had been with him each step of the way, and I highly doubted He would let anything happen to Jeff.  But still, I prayed. That's what I do.

When I went back to my pew, my phone lit up.  It was a text message from Jeff saying he was packing up his stuff.  Months of emotions overcame me, but I was comforted by and celebrated with some wonderful people who stayed by my side while Jeff has been gone.  As I left church, I told our pastor the news. He cried and hugged me. 

The following days have been met with constant checking of messages, continued prayer, and rampant emotions.  I've had difficulty making it through the Pledge of Allegiance and the the National Anthem.  And today, I read the back of a substitute teacher's shirt:

Even though I knew a little of her story, I wasn't prepared for that. I felt blessed because my husband would be leaving Afghanistan alive. I felt saddened because her husband didn't leave Iraq alive. I can't imagine the depths of of what she has gone through.  I had to hug her, from one military wife to another.  Because you know....we are not alone. 

When I became a military wife, I wanted to find connections with others.  I didn't want to feel alone.  I was blessed to find Wives of Faith.  I have been blessed by the love and support of my church family. Most of those that have supported me have shared my experience in the past. It has been so beneficial to talk with those at church who were in my position many years ago.  I have been blessed to have a coworker who has been in my position and isn't afraid to speak up for the "wife" when someone asks "is he in a safe place?" She was always quick to say there is no safe place.

No matter how alone I felt, no matter the wide range of emotions that go along with having your husband deployed, God was with me the whole time. The best thing I did during this deployment was to remain faithful to the Lord.  When my nerves were shot, He calmed me.  When I was anxious or frustrated, He gave me peace.  When I needed a kind word, He provided an encourager.  When I worried, He took away my fear.  He provided for my family in so many ways.

Now, the coming days will remain a roller coaster.  There will be more waiting and waiting and waiting.  I am very thankful to walk this path with the Lord by my side. I could not do it without him. 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

May 4, 2013

Is that what I see? The light that says this deployment is almost over???? Could it be? Yes! I think it is!

We are so much on the countdown at my house.  It was so nice to "hear" those words, "We may be leaving tomorrow or Monday."  Wow!  Music to my ears.

However, I will not celebrate until my arms are wrapped around my husband.  I will prepare, but not celebrate.

I know that with this life, anything can happen. So, I will continue to wait patiently. I will continue to pray for the safety of my husband.

And when he is home, we will not forgot those that are still in harm's way. We will continue to pray for them as well.

As the light gets brighter and nearer, there is still a decision to make....active duty or not?  We have talked about it, prayed about it, discussed it with children, and friends.  But we've yet to make the decision.  There is nothing in my eyes that is screaming NO! DON'T DO IT!  There are these subtle messages on why we should.  I received this in an email the other day, and it totally reminded me of this decision we have to make.....

You'll Never Be Ready

He [Abraham] did not know where he was going. — Hebrews 11:8  Go. Set. Ready. You’ll never be ready. You’ll never be ready to get married. You’ll never be ready to have kids. You’ll never be ready to start a business or go back to school or move to the mission field. You’ll never be ready financially, emotionally, or spiritually. You’ll never have enough faith, enough cash, or enough courage. And if you are looking for an excuse, you will always find one. I never have been, and I’m sure I never will be, ready for anything God has called me to do. This doesn’t mean I haven’t prepared myself. I’ve worked hard getting an education, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll never be ready for anything God has called me to. And that’s OK. God doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies the called. If you wait until you’re ready, you’ll be waiting for the rest of your life. The author of Hebrews writes, “By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going” (Hebrews 11:8). Abraham didn’t know the final destination, but it didn’t keep him from taking the first step in the journey. What’s the first step or next step you need to take in your journey? If you take the first step, God will reveal the second step. The problem is that most of us want the twenty-five-year plan before we’re willing to step out in faith. We want to know exactly where we’re going and exactly when we’ll get there, but God doesn’t operate that way. He gives us just enough revelation, just enough grace, just enough strength. Why? So we will live in daily dependence on Him. He doesn’t want us to rely on the revelation; He wants us to rely on Him. Without knowing where he was going, Abraham took the first step. And God honored it. There are moments in life when you need to quit a job, make a move, or end a dating relationship. And you need to take that step without knowing what the next step will be. Don’t wait for more revelation; be obedient to the amount of revelation God has given you. There is an old adage: ready, set, go. And I know it’s predicated on the importance of preparation. But I think it’s backward. You’ll never be ready. You’ll never be set. Sometimes you just need to go for it. The sequence of faith is this: Go. Set. Ready. Some people spend their entire lives getting ready for what God wants them to do, but they never end up doing it because they never come to the realization that they’ll never be ready. This is where so many of us get stuck. Our failure to act on what we know God is calling us to do not only breeds doubt and discouragement; it’s a form of disobedience. Nearly two thousand years ago, Jesus said “Go.” So why do we operate with this red-light mentality? Why are we waiting for the green light we’ve already been given? As Christ-followers, we are called to take a why not approach to life. It’s an approach to life that dares to dream. It’s an approach that’s bent toward action. And it doesn’t look for excuses not to do something. Don’t get me wrong. It’s awfully difficult to discern the will of God. Even after prayer and fasting, it usually entails making tough decisions. And I’m certainly not advocating a thoughtless or prayerless approach to decision making. We need to know that God is calling us to devote our lives to missions, take the internship offer, quit our job, or make the move. But I wonder if we’re so afraid of doing the wrong thing that it keeps us from doing the right thing. Excerpted with permission from Draw the Circle: The 40 Day Prayer Challenge by Mark Batterson (Zondervan, copyright 2012). All rights reserved

Easter/Spring Care Package

March 1, 2013

For Easter, I created Jeff a care package that had some of his favorite things, plus a couple of fun things.

I covered the inside of the box with pastel wrapping paper and put Easter basket grass in the bottom.

 I got a colorful slinky to attach to the box. I added a note that said, "Spring on home to us." I also attached a note to a box of Samoa Girl Scout Cookies that said, "I need Samoa you!"  

 I figured out how Pintrest worked and found a neat idea using a deck of cards.  I called it 52 Things I Love and Miss About You.  Carson got a kick out of some of them.

I also included scripture on some slips of paper and put them inside of plastic eggs. This was a fun package to put together.