Sunday, May 26, 2013

Today was Hard

December 6, 2012

I have been busy these last two weeks. I have stayed after school every afternoon to work with my Robotics team.  I've gotten home after dark every night.

I hate it.

Today, my students had their STAR reading test and their Dibel winter benchmark.....back to back.

I hate it.

Carter has not been going to bed at a good hour. In fact, I was so exhausted the other night when he finally went to sleep that I totally forgot to set my alarm.  Thankfully, my neighbor aka mother-in-law noticed our lights were not on when she left for work and called me. 

Needless to say after all this, trying to get homework done with two kids that HATE homework, trying to make sure laundry is washed and dried, and we have clean sippy cups, I AM EXHAUSTED. 

Exhausted plus deployment is not a good mix.  In the 21 days (3 weeks) that Jeff has been gone, this has been my worst day. 

I've been trying to email him every morning and every night.  This morning's email was very hard to get through.  I held back tears.  There wasn't anything in particular that had me upset.  I was just emotional.

The loneliness.

The being a single mom of three boys.

The daily responsibilities of working full time.

The daily responsibilities of running a household.

It all just kind of builds up and smacks you in the face.

Its is overwhelming.

I struggled to get through the morning. I was thankful that I have a planning period first thing in the morning. I logged on to Pandora for some Christmas music, shut my door, turned off the lights, and plugged in my Christmas tree. It gave me time to compose myself and shed a few tears. Actually, I didn't have any control over the tears.  They came on their own.

I felt guilty for letting Jeff know through text messaging and email that I was emotional.  I know he has this whole other world to worry about. I didn't want him to worry about me.  But he is my husband, my best friend. If I can't be honest with him, who can I be honest with?  I assured him I was fine. Just in need of a break.  Christmas break was coming up and I just needed to get through the next two weeks.  I had been going nonstop since Jeff had left.

In the grand scheme of things.....laundry and sippy cups don't matter.  I have to take care of myself and my family.  It is hard though when you know there is a clean pair of jeans somewhere in the multiple piles of clothes that you haven't had time to put away.  Its hard when you go nonstop from the time you wake up until the time you finally get your 2 year old in bed at whatever time he decides is good for him.  A messy house is not relaxing.

I need time to get everything back in order, to get back on our regular routine.

It will happen. Eventually.  Until then, I have to realize that I am going to have my moments. I will lose it for no reason at all. And it is ok. It is ok to cry for no particular reason.It is ok to stack the laundry in piles.  It is ok.

God is with me. I feel Him every day. I believe in Him. I have faith that he will see me through this deployment.

Although today was hard, I have to remember that joy comes in the morning! Tomorrow is a new day.

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