Saturday, January 23, 2010

At the end of the day

By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. Hebrews 11:5

I will never try to say I'm the best at anything. Truthfully, I'm not. I'm good at some things, and I'm a failure at other things.

I could be a better teacher. I could bring my work home with me and spend hours grading and planning, taking time away from my family. I could go in early and stay extra late, skipping lunch in between. I could miss out on the opportunity to really know the people I work with. I could spend hours inside that classroom striving to be teacher of the year.

But I choose to put my family first.

I could be a better wife. I could be more thoughtful and spontaneous. I could keep the house cleaner, the clothes washed up better, and the kitchen sink empty. I could slave over a hot stove more often and be less selfish at times.

But I'm not perfect.

I could be a better mother. I could be more patient and understanding. I could fuss a little less and control my temper a little better.

But I'm not perfect.

I could have low expectations of my friends. I could expect them to work their tails off and put their jobs first. I could expect them to be inconsiderate and rude.

But I don't.

I have a responsibility to my family, my friends, my students, my God.

I know that my students are all different. I don't treat them all the same. That wouldn't be fair. Some of them need lots of TLC and others need tough love. Some of them you only need to tell once and others need to be told 10 times. Some of them need the look and others need to be brought to tears. I love my students. No matter how badly I want them to succeed and do more than collect a check each month, I know for some that won't happen. So what do I do? I push them; I love them; I teach them manners, respect, and responsibility. If I realize that academics will never be important to them, I try to teach them to be good people. Unfortunately, some have a home life that erases everything I've tried to instill in them. I teach them stealing is wrong, but their parents teach them it is a way of life. I teach them how to be responsible for their actions, but their parents teach them that I am failing them because I don't do everything for them. At the end of the day, I have to answer to God. Did I do everything I could to make each child feel loved? Did I do everything I could to make sure each child came away from my door with something that will help them succeed somehow? Did I fail my students by not having high enough expectations for them, but allowing them to be rude, irresponsible, inconsiderate, and lazy?

At the end of the day, did I please Him?

My coworkers are just as different as my students. I work with Baptists, Methodists, Presbyterians, and those who have other gods. I work with some who love good gossip, and some who wouldn't tell a secret if their lives depended on it. I work with people who are optimistic and fun and people who are party poopers and never have anything good to say. I work with people I consider true friends and some that we have nothing in common other than our employer. It would be easy to degrade some of these people, to snub my nose at them, or stay hidden in my room so I don't have to socialize. But at the end of the day, I have to answer to my God. Did I encourage my coworkers or tear them down? Do they know that I am a Christian and my faith lies in Jesus (by my words and actions)? Do they know that they can trust me and depend on me? Do they know the real me or are they unsure about who I am? Do I allow them to tear others down or join them in doing so?

At the end of the day, did I please Him?

I'm not a perfect wife and Jeff is not a perfect husband. I could complain about his having to work late. I could not be supportive of his goals and dreams. I could make him feel unloved, not respected, and alone. As we talked the other night, he said, "You think I give you a hard time about our house getting messy, I bet that is nothing compared to ----" I told him I didn't think he gave me a hard time, that I knew a lot of times he is just messing around to get me worked up. Honestly, I could get upset about some of the joking or teasing he does, but WHY? At the end of the day, I have to answer to God. Was I the best wife I could be that day? If I was rude or hateful, did I apologize? If I was selfish, did I admit it? Did I make my husband KNOW (not just feel) that he is loved and respected? Did I make him know that he is my one and only? Did I make him know that I'm glad he is my partner for life?

At the end of the day, did I please God?

I think the hardest job is being a mom. Sure I'm with kids each day, so you make think that taking care of my own is going to be so easy. NO!!!! Ultimately, Jeff and I are responsible for these children, our children that God has blessed us with. We have our own parenting style. Our parents may agree or disagree with how we discipline our own children or how high our expectations are. You know what, I'm ok with that. At the end of the day, they are my children. God gave them to us for a reason. He knew we would be best for these children. We could allow them to be rude and disrespectful. We could allow them to push and hit, to smart mouth, and be lazy. However, we have to think about how these boys are going to turn out. It is our responsibility to make sure these guys turn in to caring, responsible, mannerly, respectful, God-fearing men. I refuse to wait until they are teenagers to teach them how to act. Now is the time.
Don't get me wrong, I am not Hitler. My kids are kids. Trust me, they have fun and they don't want for anything. Sometimes we stay out late on school nights by going to a hockey game or running to Toys R Us just to look around. Sometimes we camp out in the living room or squeeze into one bed at night and fall asleep watching movies. We play in the yard, go fishing, ride bikes, read, play games, and get wound up playing hide and go seek at bedtime. We allow them to choose their extra activities and get involved (church, basketball, baseball, soccer, Super Saturdays, Boy Scouts). We bake cookies, go to "the ice cream barn," or take a late night trip to Sonic for a treat. We take family vacations, we go out to eat together (usually they choose), and we pack up and spend the night at "our hotel" just because we want to.

There is a time for fun and a time to discipline.

I will not allow my kids to smart mouth me or anyone else. I will not allow my kids to pull away or hit at me or anyone else. I will not allow my kids to take out their anger by throwing things or stomping off. I will not allow my kids to use rude slang (especially when talking to an adult). They know not to call someone stupid. They know that if Mama doesn't say it, they don't say it. They know that lying and stealing are wrong. They know to show respect by using good manners and treating others with kindness and love. If my kids do wrong, they are punished. However, I can't always punish them the same way. My boys are so different. One will stop immediately at the first mention of time out or a spanking. One will test you to see how far he can go. One will break down and cry if your voice level gets too loud. One will laugh in your face when spanked. One will pass the blame while one will immediately say I'm sorry whether he means it or not.

I have to pick my battles. Sometimes that is hard to do.

I don't want my children to expect anything to be given to them. I want them to understand that you work to have things. There's a difference between being given a gift and getting something because you want it. I see in the classroom everyday kids who get everything they want and expect to be given what they want at school.

I will not allow my children to be in charge of our home. They will not be bossy and be allowed to do whatever they want with no rules or responsibilities. If they are asked to pick something up, I expect it to be picked up. If I ask that something be put away, I expect it to be put away. If it's time to take a bath, brush teeth, and go to bed, then its time, no question about it. I don't make my kids pick up their toys every time they get something out. I don't make them make their beds and straighten their rooms. I do ask for their help when I am doing chores and I expect them to help. They are kids, sometimes they do it willingly and sometimes it is a battle.
Colin and Carson's personalities are so very different. I don't love one more than the other. To an outsider, it may seem if I am harder on one than the other. What we all have to realize is that Colin and Carson are different people. A seven year old and a three year old must be treated different. Because the boys think we are unfair at times, it would be easy to treat them the same. However, that wouldn't be fair.

When Colin was Carson's age, he hated bedtime (still does). So for my sanity and tired body, I allowed him to lay in bed and watch TV while I dozed off. As a second grader, Colin needs his rest. Carson, like Colin, has watched TV while I've dozed off. Colin thinks this is unfair, but doesn't understand (and can't remember) that he did this too. Now that he is in school, he needs more rest. He hates to go to bed and he hates to get up in the mornings. All he see's is that we are unfair. We are weaning Carson off of his moving watching. Allowing the boys to do that was our personal choice. On Friday nights when we have nothing planned for Saturday mornings, we allow the boys to stay up pretty late. They watch movies, play on the computer, or play toys. It is important they know there is a time for staying up late and a time to get some sleep.

It all comes down to this:
At the end of the day, I have to answer to God.

Do my kids know that I love them? Do they know that their daddy and I work hard to provide a home for them, food to eat, clothes to wear, and even fun stuff to do? Do they know our expectations or do we just out of the blue make up rules? Do my children know right from wrong? Do they know that ultimately, we are accountable to God for all we do?

My students aren't always going to agree with me and I'm not always going to agree with them.

That's ok.

My coworkers and friends are not always going to agree with me and I'm not always going to agree with them.

That's ok.

My husband is not going to always agree with me and I'm not always going to agree with him.

That's ok.

My kids are not always going to agree with them and I'm not always going to agree with them.

That's ok.

What is not ok is if at the end of the day I failed God.
If I succeeded at something, did I give Him the glory?
If I failed at something, did I admit my fault?
If I was to blame, did I say I'm sorry?
If someone hurt, did I build them up?
At the end of the day, did I please Him?

That's all that matters. I accept the fact (did so a long time ago) that I am not perfect. I will never claim to be and I will never strive to be. All I can be is me. As me, did I please Him? Did I ask Him for help when I needed it? Did I love those I encountered? Did someone see Jesus in me by my actions and words?

For some people, they want to have all the daily gossip by the end of the day. They want to be one up on someone else. They want to tear down as many people as possible to make themselves look better. At the end of the day, they want to please themselves.

When that 3:00 bell rings, I want my students to know that regardless of what happened, I love them and want them to succeed. We will try again tomorrow.

When I walk away from that school building, I want to walk away with a clear conscience that I didn't hurt anyone or drag anyone down.

When I lay down next to my husband at night, I want to fall asleep secure in the fact that he knows what he means to me, that my love and respect for him is strong, that I am appreciative of what he does for me and the boys.

When I tuck those precious boys in at night, I want to walk out of that room with them certain that I love them, that I'd do anything for them, that neither is more special than the other, that I cherish their differences.

I don't want to go to bed filled with guilt and weighed down with unnecessary burdens. At the end of the day, I want God to be pleased with me.

2 comments:

  1. I still think you are one hot mama!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Amen sister! I couldn't have said any of this any better! touche' This is why I love you!

    ReplyDelete

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