Was I Gentle?

As 2015 came knocking on my door, I began to consider a word that I wanted to shape my life for the next 365 days.  That's hard to do if you want to be intentional about living the life God has planned for you.  Sometimes it takes looking in the mirror and finding that log that separates you from Christ.  

For me, that log was reacting instead of responding which caused me to be hateful and ill-tempered....aka....angry and yelling a lot.  

No mama wants to be remembered for that.  

At first I thought my problem was patience, or the lack of.  However, after a discussion during Sunday School, I realized that I wasn't gentle. Not the bull in a china shop gentle, but gentle, as in how I used my words and what my reactions were.

So, I vowed to be more gentle in 2015.  

To start, I had to find out what caused me to be ungentle.  That was easy.  I reacted.  I chose to spit out the first thing on my tongue.  Matthew 5:18 says, But the words you speak come from the heart--that's what defiles you.  

That, my friend, is a hard pill to swallow....that I had that "stuff" in my heart.  Not something you want to admit, although deep down, I knew it.  But why?  Why was it in my heart?

Plain and simple?  My relationship with God wasn't what it needed to be.

Now, I'm not saying that my relationship with Him is absolutely perfect now. It's not.  There are days I still give God a headache.  I'm the sweat on His brow, but He loves me anyway.

Little by little, I worked am working on my heart. Little by little my heart softens and I respond instead of react.

I'm dedicated to being the kind of mother that honors God.  The kind of mother that my children can be proud of, not live in fear of.  I'm dedicated to being the woman God has intended me to be.  I will extend grace by responding, not reacting.

Being gentle is a life long journey.  Some days are easier than others, but I have to remember to extend grace to myself, not if, but when I mess up.  Because mess up I will.

I thank God for walking on this journey with me, for helping me see my heart problem.

I will continue to listen for God's still small voice in those intense moments when I'm ready to fly off the handle.  I will continue to spend time with Him, not just once a day, but throughout the day to know Him, and be whom He wants me to be. My lifelong goal is to have Jesus inside each moment of my day, not just 30 minutes before work or at meal or bedtime prayers.  When I make Christ an integral part of my day, He is a part of me.  And that will cause love to flow from me in all that I do.

What about you, dear friend?  Did you chose a word to shape your year?  How did it go?

I Blew It, But That's OK

It's the last day of February, and I've already blown it!  My One Word to live by for 2015.

I have vowed this year to do what it takes to be gentle in my words and actions, to respond instead of react. And I blew it.

I noticed a rough patch of partaking in yelling matches with tiny humans (my children).  I noticed I wasn't as kind to my students at school when I became frustrated with their behavior and attitudes.  And with adults, well, I wasn't very nice in my thoughts and attitudes about their irritating behaviors. I may have even stuck my foot in my mouth a couple of times.  What else? I probably experienced a little road rage. I never really thought about it until we were in drive thru at McDonald's and my 4 year old yells, "GO ON PEOPLE!"

Umm yea. He heard that from his mama.  Not a proud moment.

So what was it?  What caused me to lose my temper, to be harsh, to be someone I wasn't proud of?

I realized I had not been spending enough time with my best friend

my Jesus.

No reason is a good reason.  I can blame the fact that I'd just finished my one year Bible and was waiting the arrival of my new chronological Bible. I can blame the fact that I wanted to get caught up on War and Peace and didn't have time to spend in God's Word.  I can blame blogging, wanting to talk about Jesus instead of spend time with Him.  I can pick and choose a bunch of different reasons. Again, none of them are good reasons.

I wasn't spending time with God like I should have been. Plain and simple.

What I've noticed about myself is this.... The less time I spend with Christ, the less I am like Him.  The more time I spend away from Him, the more likely I am to ruin my witness. Basically, I mess up. I have behaviors and attitudes I don't like.

But here's what true:  When I mess up, it's OK if I realize I'm not right with God and I try to fix it. Now, I'm not saying, "Oh, it's alright. Go ahead and fail."  Not at all. To God, it's nothing new that I'm a sinner. He loves me anyway.  He asks that I repent of my sins, in this case, my lack of gentleness.  He is just and forgives me even though I don't deserve it.  He knows that there will be a day, sooner than I'd like to think, that I'll fail again.  He is, after all,  El-roi - God Who Sees Me. He knows my failure is coming. Yet, there He will be, with His outstretched hand, ready to lift me back up.

For that I am thankful.  I am thankful that He doesn't expect me to be perfect, He only expects me to be the best me I can be and reach for Him to make me more like Him.  He knows I can't do it on my own.

But what now?  Now that I have seen the patterns of behavior and attitudes that come with spending less time with Christ, what do I do?  I have to make Christ a priority....excuse me....the priority.  I have to find out what excuses I have for not spending time with Him and rid myself of those excuses. I have to live daily with this in mind:  No excuse is acceptable.

One Word

Quick tempered, irritable, hot head, easily provoked to anger.

Those aren't very good words, are they?  Unfortunately, they are words that can describe me.

When aggravated, I can become very harsh.  I don't like it. I don't like myself when I am like that.  It is something I have been working on, but recently, I found out I was working on it incorrectly.

I had always thought that lack of patience was my problem.  I prayed about my patience and everything. Nothing.

But then......
During a Sunday School lesson, we were in the middle of discussion when I discovered that my problem was my lack of gentleness.

BAM!  That's it! I lacked gentleness.

That explained the harsh reactions.   I realized after confessing this to my sisters in Christ that I needed to learn to respond instead of react.  When I reacted, I was harsh.  When I responded, I took time to reflect, consider, and then act.

Gentleness.

As 2014 began to come to a close and 2015 was knocking at the door, I began thinking about my One Word....I have worked at being a light to SHINE the love of Jesus to others.  I have worked at being INTENTIONAL in my time and talents. I have learned to better LIVE a life that brings honor and glory to God. With each of these chosen words, I have worked at meeting those expectations, I still do. I am not perfect, but I am trying to be the woman God created me to be.  I don't believe that God created me to be harsh and ill tempered.  That's not love.  But love is gentle.  And that is what I am going to work on this year.  My One Word for 2015.......

Already, 7 days into 2015, my One Word: Gentle, keeps ringing in my ears.  When my tween pushes my buttons or my fourth graders are disobedient, I will be gentle.When friends or coworkers do something I don't agree with, I will be gentle.  When family or strangers cross me in a unbecoming manner, I will be gentle.  When I am sleep deprived, aggravated, or just plan eggy, I will be gentle.

One Word: Gentle.

What about you, Friend, what is your One Word for 2015?