Monday, October 07, 2013
It's been two months since I've been here. I won't apologize for being gone.
My life today isn't what I was expecting it to be.
My journey these last two months has been difficult, heart wrenching.
If you know me, you know I love being a mom. Yes, I am one of those crazy women who loves being pregnant. In late July, I had that unbelievable moment (or moments since I took about 8 home EPTs) of finding out that I was expecting my fourth child. As if the deployment didn't make it official, Jeff and I joked that we were now officially a military family because I was pregnant quickly after Jeff came home from Afghanistan.
I was excited.
I was nervous.
More nervous than my first pregnancy.
With each pregnancy and childbirth, there was something different, something a little scarier than the last.
My first son was two weeks late (according to me, not the doctor). He was a big boy, and it was a long, hard labor.
My second son was born and sent to NICU due to fluid in his lungs. He continues to have respiratory issues to this day.
My third son was born the day after my biophysical profile and ultrasound indicated I had been losing amniotic fluid.
So, yes. I was nervous. What would the scary moment be this fourth time around?
That moment came 8 months early.
After confirming my pregnancy with the doctor, we began to spread the news of our fourth child. I felt the need to keep it on the down low, but I was just too excited.
After going to the restroom at work one day, I just knew something was wrong based on what I saw. I immediately called the doctor's office and was ordered to come in. After two weeks of blood work and ultrasounds, we got the news. Our baby had stopped growing.
That news cut me deep.
We had to decide on whether or not to proceed with a D&C or wait for a natural miscarriage. We decided to wait.
I laugh now, but I remember sitting at home by myself one day and telling God, "Ok, God. Today is a good day to get this over with." I think He laughed at me.
After two weeks of nothing, we scheduled the surgery.
The next day.....
The worst day of my life.
The whole timing and location of the beginning of the natural miscarriage in my eyes was not ideal. What is ideal in my eyes?
God knows best.
That's what I keep telling myself.
There are days I am ok with not being pregnant. There are days I see babies and want to cry. There are days I feel guilty for having a peace about the whole miscarriage. There are days I have no peace at all about it.
I do realize that is part of the grieving process. And in reality, that is what I am doing. Grieving the loss of a future I won't have, a baby I will never hold, a child I will never know.
But I have faith in God.
That is what has gotten me through this entire ordeal.
God gave me those weeks of tests to prepare my heart for the news I was to get. He knew what I needed to go through be able to deal with the natural miscarriage.
Going through a valley teaches you a lot. It teaches you about people's true colors. It teaches you about your own strength. It teaches you about whether or not you truly believe in God the way you say you do.
So, why do I write these words?
For you my friend.
For those that are hurting whether due to miscarriage or any other crisis. God loves you. He has a plan for you. He is in control. When you can't go on, He will give you the strength you need to keep moving. Just trust Him. Seek Him. Read His word. Truly, wholeheartedly, believe in Him.
For those of you that know someone who is hurting....love them. Hug them. Pray for them. You don't have to say anything except "I love you" or "I am praying for you." For me, those were the words that meant the most. Be careful of your words. If you don't know what to say, those are the best things you could say. And NEVER make woman feel like it was her fault that she miscarried. She will doubt herself and doesn't need your help.
If I have learned anything through this it is God loves me and will take care of me. My friend Lesley bought me a plaque while Jeff was deployed. It says If God brings you to it, God will get you through it.I believe that with my whole heart.