Surreal

Friday, November 16, 2012

That's how this feels. 

We have been separated before.

Japan
Ft. Jackson
Chicago
LA
Detroit
Baltimore
Ft. Bliss
Virginia Beach

But this time it is different.

This
time
it
is
deployment
to
Afghanistan.

Yes, that word, that place just came from my fingertips to the keyboard to the screen.

Afghanistan.

It doesn't seem real.

I guess because he isn't there yet.  Jeff will be at Ft. Benning before heading overseas.  Maybe that, that he is heading down south to the state of Georgia, maybe that is the reason this doesn't seem real.  He is in Georgia, where my uncle lives.

Not in war torn Afghanistan. Not yet.

Still, I can't believe I am typing those words. 

We were up late last night. Cuddling. Playing with the boys. Taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree. Cuddling some more. Last minute preparations. Him packing. I told him the other day, "I can't believe you are leaving for nine months and you haven't packed a thing!"  Me, I would have packed and unpacked and packed again.  I guess you could say I am an over packer.  Jeff, though, he is efficient. He gets the job done.

The job.

His job for the next nine months (9? I hope it is shorter) will be to minister to our Soldiers. Our men and women in uniform. 

I almost laugh because as I read through my When Duty Calls book, it kept saying to talk with your chaplain for this problem or that.  I thought, "I'm married to the chaplain! Who do we go to?"

The answer....

We go to the Lord. Our Heavenly Father. Our Strong Tower. Our Refuge. Our Strength.

No doubt about it, this deployment will be tough. For all of us. Me. Colin. Carson. Carter. Jeff.  Yes, it will be tough. There is Thanksgiving. There is Christmas. There is winter. There will be birthdays.  It will be tough for all of us.  But God, oh, I know how awesome He is!

He had this whole thing planned from the very beginning. Never did I imagine we would be here, face to face with deployment. But God knew.

Maybe that is why we had all those other separations.

Maybe that is why Jeff's orders were rescinded the first time.

God is in control. I believe that. I know that. I must rely on that.

As I have read through my Tour of Duty Bible study, there are some verses of scripture that touch my heart. One in particular is John 16:33.  "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."

Regardless of how I am feeling, how frustrated I become, how lonely I get, I can have peace. That peace is found in my Savior Jesus Christ.  Oh, how thankful I am for that!

So, how am I feeling 4 hours after driving away from the airport, not knowing when I will see my husband again?  Well,

I guess you could say I am numb. 

I mentally prepared the best I could.

I read When Duty Calls.

I signed the POA paperwork and Living Will.

I have been praying.

And praying.

And praying some more.

I am numb.

I haven't had "my moment" yet.  It will come.

To spiritually prepare, I have been praying.

I am doing the Tour of Duty Bible study (again).

I've read GodStrong (and will again).

And praying some more!

Nevertheless, you can't be totally prepared for deployment.

I wasn't prepared for how calm I have been.

I wasn't prepared for the sick feeling I got as we loaded up the car.

I wasn't prepared for the difficult breathes I took during the drive.

I wasn't prepared for the tension in my body.  Last night, my body was totally tense. Just the pressure of it all. The holding it together.  My body ached from my head to my toes. I got what if felt like to have an anxiety attack. Seriously, the pressure was worst in my chest and neck. Every breath hurt.

I knew I had to hold myself together these last few days. These last few days have been totally dedicated to doing what I could for my husband. 

I knew I had to hold it together for him. For my children. 

My moment will come.  The numbness will wear off. Surreal will become real.

I will cling to my Father in Heaven. 

For the next 276 days,
I will pray.
I will read scripture.
I will call on the name of the Lord.
I will be the wife my husband needs me to be.
I will be the mother my children need me to be.
I will be totally dedicated to my Savior, my husband, and my family.