Even If Not

Back in August, I was fortunate enough to attend the first ever (and perhaps only) Five Minute Friday Retreat.  I met close to 20 amazing strangers who will forever have a place in my heart.  One of my roommates that weekend was Kaitlyn Bouchillon.  And ya'll, Kaitlyn published her first book this year.  

I have just finished reading this precious book, Even If Not.  And I feel led to share one of my even if not moments with you.

I'm a planner. It's not my job, but I love to plan.....parties, events, life.....putting details together to make something wonderful.  I had a plan for my life: marriage, teaching job, 3 kids (2 boys and a girl).  I had always believed that my plans would fall in line when God's timing was right and I would accept his timing.  That's what I said, and I also said I trusted Him.

After being married for a few years, my husband and I decided we wanted to start our family of 2 boys and a girl.  A friend of ours was trying to conceive as well and she was pretty upset that things weren't going as planned. She struggled to get pregnant.  I told her that the stress didn't help her and that God would make it happen when the time was right.  Words from a nonChristian to a Believer.

She soon became pregnant, and I thought, "See? I told you so!"

Then it was my turn.

After missing a period and taking about a million home pregnancy tests that were inconclusive, I made an appointment with my doctor to find out for sure.  I had convinced myself that if I wasn't pregnant, it would be ok and that it would happen at the right time.  I said I trusted God's plan.

I didn't.

I went to the doctor, took yet another pregnancy test, and was told, "No, honey, you are not pregnant."

My face grew hot and I felt outrage. What???? How could this be? I wanted to be pregnant!  I knew I had to be pregnant. They were wrong. God, why are you doing this to me??? I'm ready to be a mom.

I had always said I trusted God's plan and timing. This was the time to prove it and I failed miserably.  I raced out of that doctor's office, grabbed my husband, and took off for the car.  I was heartbroken. Angry.  Full of unbelief.

I had said that I trusted God even if I wasn't pregnant, and it was a lie.

At that point I realized the disbelief, and it hurt just as bad as not being pregnant.

Truth be told, I was pregnant. God didn't let me know until my first trimester was almost over.  Why? I don't know, but I think it was to help my with my disbelief.  Although I was not yet a Christian, those months were a growing time for me. Those months would shape my thoughts and beliefs for things I would experience later on.

When my second born would be rushed to NICU after birth, I had to believe.

When my third child was induced due to the loss of amniotic fluid, I had to believe.

When my husband was deployed to war, I had believe.

When my fourth pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I had to believe.

Each day, I have to believe, that even if God doesn't follow my plan, that He is still good.

And He is good, very good.

And I believe.

Kaitlyn, thank you for sharing your words and reminding us that we all have a story to tell....no....a story we must tell.  God works in all moments, the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the messy.  When we are broken, He is there. When we are whole, He is there.  Even if life is not what we thought it would be, God is there. We tell these stories to share the love of Christ.  We weren't meant to keep them to ourselves. Share we must. Blog it.  Write it.  Tell it across the dinner table. Whisper it in the darkness. But share it.

Friends, get you a copy of Even If Not. Read it. Share it.  Tell your even if not story.

I'm a Christian

Yes, I am a Christian.  A Christ Follower. A Child of God.  Whatever you want to call it.

I made the choice to surrender my life to Jesus Christ.

I believe in the Bible. I believe the Bible.

I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.

I believe that Jesus lived a perfect life.

I believe that Jesus Christ was crucified on a cross for my sins.

I believe that Jesus was buried in a tomb that was sealed with a large stone.

I believe the that three days later, Jesus Christ rose from the grave.

I believe that Jesus Christ is alive today.

Although I am a Christian, a believer, again, whatever you want to call it, I am also a sinner.

I am not perfect. I will never claim to be. I mess up every day. Just ask those who know me.

Having said all of this, I also want to say that I am tired.

I am tired of Christians being criticized for being Christians.

I am tired of reading and hearing how ALL Christians are racist and bigots and hypocrites and haters.

That simply is not true.

ALL
NEVER
ALWAYS
EVERY ONE
NO ONE
EVERY TIME

Those, My Friend, are dangerous words.

Can I ask you a few questions?

If you don't approve of alcohol, but you see someone drinking a beer or a glass of wine, does that make you a hater?

If you smoke cigarettes, but get upset with your teenager for doing the same thing, does that make you a hypocrite?

If you disagree with your coworkers political preference, does that you a bigot?

I can ask the tough questions, but I won't go there because I think you know what I am getting at.

I'm not vocal about my political beliefs or my opinion of homosexuality.  My opinion doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. If I disagree with you, that's what it is....a disagreement.  I am not judging you. NOT ALL Christians are judging you.  They are simply saying, "I don't agree with you."

Is that wrong?  Is it wrong to not agree with someone?  Does disagreeing make us bigots and racists and hypocrites and haters?

If it does, then we should all move to a little shack in the middle of no where and avoid human contact.

Seriously.

Who said we have to agree?  Who said we all have to be the same? Who said we all have to be alike?

I'm married. My husband and I don't agree on everything.  We don't hate each other.

I have three kids. They don't agree with me A LOT of the time. They think my rules are unfair. We don't hate each other.

I don't agree with my coworkers some times.  I don't agree with my church family some times. I don't hate them.

What matters in the grand scheme of things?

LOVE.

Whether you are a Christian or an atheist or a Muslim or whatever you are.....LOVE. When you agree, love. When you disagree, love.

In my little corner of the world, we call it Love the Sinner not the Sin. 

I can disagree with you and still love you. And just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I hate you.

Seriously.

It is possible. I live it every day.

You tell me that we live in America and have the right to express our opinions, but when Christians speak up, we are immediately told we are pushing our religion and beliefs on others and that we don't have the right to say what we believe and we are being judgmental hypocrites filled with hate.  That's a little harsh isn't it??? Just because we disagree.  Is that fair?

In the grand scheme of things, I am responsible for me and my actions.  I believe that we are all going to stand in judgement before God.  I don't have time to judge you.  I have my own sins to work on.  I just ask that the next time a Christian says, "I don't agree with you," that you will leave it at that and don't accuse ALL Christians of being judgmental hypocrites who hate those that don't share their beliefs.

Lately

Lately.....
I am enjoying my time home with my precious Carter. It seems like only yesterday Colin was a newborn. I can't believe he will be 8 years old this summer and Carson will be 4 in a matter of weeks. I got tickled at the bank yesterday. One of the workers, who also lives behind us, asked when the baby was coming. I said, "He came on the 12th!" I still can't believe he is here and he's ours. What a blessing! I am thankful everyday that God has chosen me to be the mom of these wonderful children. Carson has stayed home with me for a few days. We've tried to get him back into the swing of things, but his stomach has been yucky. I'm missing Colin while he is at school. I do like being able to pick him up after school now.



Lately....
I am feeling well. Carter is sleeping pretty good at night. He is eating every 3 - 4 hours. So the rest is good! I am not a night person. I like to be in bed around nine and sleep until morning. I am so grateful that Carter is not up all hours of the night. I did NOT have a C-section. Not sure where that started, but we are doing great!



Lately....
The boys have started baseball. Colin is being coached by "Coach Jeff" again this year. It will be his second year of Pee Wee and from what Coach Jeff says, Colin is doing quite well. Carson has "started" T-ball. Started is in quotes because the first practice was last week. However, Carson didn't make it. We thought he broke his little toe. OUCH! He was playing at the kitchen table and when he got out of the chair, it fell on his foot. Totally scared us. Jeffrey took him to see Dr. Chris Friday, who then sent him for x-rays. Toe is fine, just bruised. Hopefully, he will be able to go to practice this week. I am getting excited about seeing them play soon.



Lately,
I have been fed well by some Christian women. After coming home from the hospital, Jeffrey's mom had us a pot of potato soup and his aunt Mary had us some of her famous ham and cheese sandwhiches. We worked on those a few days. Then Millie from church brought us some KFC- YUMMY - and a cake she had made. Tonight, I had a visit from Mrs. June from church. She brought some ham, green beans, slaw, and mashed potatoes, and brownies. We are so appreciative of the food. It has made my life so much easier!


Lately,
I am saddened by some news. Our church lost a dear friend this morning. Joe Smith passed away after battling cancer. He and his wife Jackie have been so good to us. Since the first day we attended Calvary, they have shown us nothing but love. Joe and Jackie both loved us and our children. When the traveling Wall came to Franklin a few years ago, I was blessed to have Joe and some other veterans visit my class. The last time I saw Joe, probably two months ago, he hugged me and thanked me for that day. We love Joe and will miss him very much. He has been such a blessing to our family and church.



Lately,
I have watched a couple of good movies. There are certain parts of those movies that have stuck out to me. There is a movie called Taking Chance (if you haven't watched it, do!) It is a true story of a marine (played by Kevin Bacon) who escorts fallen soldier Chance Phelps home. During the movie, a veteran told Kevin Bacon's character that he was Chance's witness. He should share his story. It got me to thinking about our witness to Jesus. In the movie, as he looked back on this journey, Kevin Bacon's character said that he felt like as long as the body was moving, that Chance was still alive. You know, we are what reminds everyone that Jesus is still alive. We are to be His witness each day by telling others about Him and allowing them to see Him in us. Unfortunately, many of us don't do all we can do to be a witness to Jesus Christ. Personally, I know that I can do more and that is something I strive to do. There is another movie that I watched the other night. It was called Henry Poole is Here. Luke Wilson's character has found out that he is dying and nothing can be done. He has lost faith and moved into a house to die alone. His neighbor discovers a miracle and it draws him closer to others and to finding his faith once again. One of the lines that really struck me was said by Patience, the cashier at the grocery store. She told him that she "chose to believe" and that's the miracle. When we are at the crossroads of becoming Christians, we make a choice. Do we choose to believe or not? When we choose to believe in the miracle of Jesus, our lives are forever changed. Like Patience, I can proudly say that, "I have chosen to believe." Six years ago, God touched my heart. He showed me His love and I chose to believe in what His son, Jesus Christ did for me. Have you chosen to believe?

Lately,
We are waiting to find out where Jeffrey will be doing his monthly drills. He received a message last Wednesday that he was supposed to be in South Carolina last weekend for drill. However, since it was so far for him and such late notice, he was dismissed from drill for March. He was told that they would try to find somewhere closer to home for the next drill. I am thankful that he does not have to go the first week of April like we thought. Now, Jeffrey can be home for Carson's 4th birthday.

Lately,
I am trying to find a Super Mario Bros. cake pan for Carson's birthday. He is wanting a Mario party, so I am working on it.

So, for now, I will continue to enjoy my time at home with my family, being a stay at home mom for now.