For the Brokenhearted

Yesterday in Sunday school, we talked a lot about how some things just aren't fair and how sometimes God just seems so far away from us. We were led into a conversation about choices and how those choices pull us away from God. 

It is hard to admit sometimes that we make choices that get us into a pit. We wonder how we got there and wonder why God allowed it to happen. 

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that God does not force himself on us.  He has blessed us with having a choice. 

However, recent events remind me that not everything that happens occurs because of something we did.  It is a matter of God and his timing and purpose.

We will never fully understand God's ways. We aren't meant to. There comes a time in our lives when we will be the brokenhearted.  For me, one of those times was losing my fourth child due to miscarriage.

I don't know why I (or any woman for that matter) was "allowed" to go through a miscarriage. As much as it still hurts, I believe, I must believe, that there was a purpose.  God uses everything for a higher purpose. 

Was it to teach me to pray more and follow God's plan before deciding on my own it was time to expand my family, to wait for Him for those big decisions?  Was it to teach me the frailty of life?  Was it to get me to slow down and grow closer to Him?  Was it to be able to be there for other women who go through the same thing, or open the hearts of those that have experienced it in the past so they may be willing to share their experience?

I simply don't know.

I do know that months later, it still hurts.  It sneaks up on you.  You see your pregnant friends walking, more like waddling around, awaiting the joy of the birth of their first child.  It dawns on you that you won't be having that moment.  You are driving in the car with your three boys and the instant replay of moment you truly lost that child fills your mind, and you fight back tears.  It is the sickening feeling you get when you pray, "God, what am I supposed to do? Do I try for another child or is my family complete the way it is?"  Sometimes I don't want to know the answer. It hurts too bad to think that my body will never nurture a new life, that my arms will never hold that newborn.  It hurts to think that my youngest son will never know the joy of seeing his baby brother or sister for the first times after months of wondering why mommy is getting so fat. 

That is one of my brokenhearted trials. 

But I know that there is good news in this hurt. 

God loves me and is there for me. 

That is enough.

Regardless of how badly I missed my husband and prayed for his safe return home from a war zone, God was enough.

Regardless of how scared I was as my middle child lay lethargic in my arms countless nights because he couldn't breath, God was enough.

Regardless of how I feared the word Cancer when I had my first mammogram, God was enough.

Regardless of how the unknown pains that could be caused by leukemia in my child, God was enough.

Regardless....God is enough.

Psalm 34:18 says that The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.   In whatever dark moment I was in, I felt God near me.  I felt Him calm me as I held a sick child. I felt His peace when I knew my husband's compound was under attack at that moment. I felt His love and comfort as my weakened body lost a baby.   God got me through those moments. He provided everything I needed.

He did that for me.  He can do that for you. 

I know there are so many people that are broken in so many ways. I have friends that are going through their own personal hell. I lift them in prayer, so they will know that God is enough. 

If my words sound simple or easy, that knowing God is enough comes easily, let me be clear on one thing: It isn't easy.  I have spent a lot of time with the Lord.  I have spend time with Him through praise and worship at church and in the privacy of my home, car, or classroom. I have spent time in Christian fellowship with those who have lifted me in prayer. I have spent time in prayer, not only letting Him know my requests, but also in prayers of thanksgiving and listening to Him.  I have spent time in His Word.  I have asked for His guidance while reading and worked hard to understand scripture.  I am not claiming to be perfect in all of these things, but I am saying that the time I have spent with Him when things are blue skies and sunshine, have paved the way for Him to reveal himself to me in times of heartache and sorrow. 

Time spent with the Lord is not time wasted.  All to often we say we don't have time to pray, we don't have time to study scripture.  But we do.  We turn off the TV. We put down the cell phones. We turn away from the Internet. We spend that time on and with the Lord.  Those few moments that we dedicate to Him each day will have an eternal impact on our lives and the lives of others.

We will all experience a broken heart. Spending time with God now will help us through the difficult times that await us.